I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
