apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
