I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My breasts were aching with rage.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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