I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
