Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
