youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
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i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
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Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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