i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
