I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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