sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
