Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
