I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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