I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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