i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
