before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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