I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
