You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Randomize
