I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I need to align my fucking chakras
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
