Your dad touched me again.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
