I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
