On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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