ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
