your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
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I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
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She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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