If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
