omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
