My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
