if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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