You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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