so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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