Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
