We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
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I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
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Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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