You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
