she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
