I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
