She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
