Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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