Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
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we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
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Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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