What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
