Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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