I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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