I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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