My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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