You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
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Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
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I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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