Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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