I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
