And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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