you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
