My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
