I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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