Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
