Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
