My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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