I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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