So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
