my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
