I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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