I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
