She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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