so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You did what with his pubic hair?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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