we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
