i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
