I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
