dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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