My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
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